A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
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Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Proctology is located in A55
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.