[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
You Might Also Like
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.