Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
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My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk