landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
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I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Sharon I have some bad news