Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
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Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child