5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
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There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Woke up against my better judgement again
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians