DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
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Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
*limbos away from your hug*
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.