mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
You Might Also Like
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
english majors be like furthermore
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.