My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
You Might Also Like
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Um … Hot Wings please
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it