@ieatanddrink

Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open

@ieatanddrink

Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in

@ieatanddrink

Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain

@ieatanddrink

I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do

@ieatanddrink

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school

@ieatanddrink

If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is

@ieatanddrink

If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with

@ieatanddrink

Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!