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@ieatanddrink : Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you're doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I'll explain
@ieatanddrink: Can't tell if they're hitting on me here?
@ieatanddrink: I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
@ieatanddrink: Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
@ieatanddrink: If I'm on a date and can't think of anything to say I just make it look like I'm busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
@ieatanddrink: If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he's slept with
@ieatanddrink: Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
@ieatanddrink: The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
@ieatanddrink: Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask "Where should I put this horse?" When she tells you, say no
@ieatanddrink: This is your pilot speaking. We'll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane