My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
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But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x