A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name