Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
You Might Also Like
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
When you can’t find your friend Neil
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.