a professional thief tries to steal my wallet but i’m wearing skinny jeans so his hand just gets stuck in my pocket
Coffee dates are my favorite because you can just pour it on yourself as an excuse to leave
Her: OMG my dad keeps texting me he’s so annoying
Me: [hoping to impress her] yeah he’s a piece of shit
Me: do you want to hear what happened to the last guy who threatened me
Bumper cars operator: i meant your time is up like get off the ride
guy who’s about to repair my iPhone screen: may i have your passcode for testing?
Me: ..ya know what i don’t even want it fixed
My boss asked me to stop using metaphors when i speak to clients but that’s like asking a samurai not to use his sword
Hot girl: hi
Me: are you a cop?