What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
You Might Also Like
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.