Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@iinkedZombie : My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby "no pooping today."
@iinkedZombie: Wife: " What'd you do today?"
Me: "Tell me what you think I did."
@iinkedZombie: I hope someday you'll find it in your heart to murder me.
@iinkedZombie: Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I'm one step ahead of you.
@iinkedZombie: Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
@iinkedZombie: Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] ...
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
@iinkedZombie: 5: "I'm so tough because I NEVER cry!"
Me: "What?! You were crying about spiders earlier."
5: *cries* "BUT THEY HAVE 8 LEGS!"
@iinkedZombie: Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
@iinkedZombie: My daughter asked me what it's like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, "hi."
@iinkedZombie: Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.