@iinkedZombie

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

@iinkedZombie

5: Daddy, can I help?

Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job

5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.

Me: [handing over tools]

@iinkedZombie

wife: omg what are you doing?

me: wrapping presents

wife:

me:

wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!

@iinkedZombie

No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper

@iinkedZombie

me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year

5:

me:

5: my brother lets me play with his

@iinkedZombie

me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?

5:

me:

5: we say thank you

@iinkedZombie

me: how was school?

son: i got in trouble today

me: what for?

son: kung fu fighting

me: wow I’m so disappointed

son: but everybody was doing it

@iinkedZombie

[movie night]

5: what should we watch?

Me: anything you want

5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad