me: how was school?

son: i got in trouble today

me: what for?

son: kung fu fighting

me: wow I’m so disappointed

son: but everybody was doing it


[movie night]

5: what should we watch?

Me: anything you want

5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad


It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.


Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.


5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: okay

5: ready..? Start.




5: whoever talks first is the loser.


My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager


Wife: what’d you do after work?

Me: I may have taken a nap

Wife: you may have or you did?

Me: I may have did