Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.
Me: [handing over tools]
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5: my brother lets me play with his
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5: we say thank you
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad