My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say “hi.”
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.