@iinkedZombie

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say “hi.”

@iinkedZombie

Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!

Wife: An uncontested divorce

@iinkedZombie

I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.

@iinkedZombie

Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”

@iinkedZombie

[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee

@iinkedZombie

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle

@iinkedZombie

[1st time meeting a friends baby]

Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”

Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”

@iinkedZombie

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

@iinkedZombie

I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”

@iinkedZombie

All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.