Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
You Might Also Like
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Your secret is safeish with me
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
my first day as a raccoon
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*