I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
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Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .