When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
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Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?