What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
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I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
#parenting
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4