Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
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DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.