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Page of illiter8too's best tweets

@illiter8too : SALESWOMAN: (looking alarmed) Well, yes, I guess, technically the dress fits.
ME: (limbs and face turning purple) Can you believe this? I’ve never been a size zero!

@illiter8too: sure I’d love to attend your baby shower, I mean babies are so rare, there’s only like, what, a half-billion of them at any given time or something

@illiter8too: Never know what to do with my face when someone is playing an acoustic guitar and trying to make eye contact with me.

@illiter8too: Don't fight your demons: invite them in, nurture them, fuel their unholy power, get them to destroy your enemies, take them bowling.

@illiter8too: I always try to coordinate my bra and panties so at least my murderer will think I’ve got my shit together

@illiter8too: ME: I call bullshit getting kicked out of IHOP bc my anxiety falcon isn't tethered; that pug's not leashed.

HOST: Ma'am, that's a toddler.

@illiter8too: So many athletes thank god for their wins, but I want to see athletes who angrily curse god when they lose.

@illiter8too: Murder is justifiable if it's against a person who calls you and hands their phone off to another person with whom you didn't wish to speak.

@illiter8too: Took a decongestant and now I can smell time.

@illiter8too: Hey boy, are you a fitted sheet? Because you're complicated as hell and hard to manage, but I definitely want you on this mattress.