Never know what to do with my face when someone is playing an acoustic guitar and trying to make eye contact with me.
Don’t fight your demons: invite them in, nurture them, fuel their unholy power, get them to destroy your enemies, take them bowling.
ME: I call bullshit getting kicked out of IHOP bc my anxiety falcon isn’t tethered; that pug’s not leashed.
HOST: Ma’am, that’s a toddler.
So many athletes thank god for their wins, but I want to see athletes who angrily curse god when they lose.
Murder is justifiable if it’s against a person who calls you and hands their phone off to another person with whom you didn’t wish to speak.
Took a decongestant and now I can smell time.
Hey boy, are you a fitted sheet? Because you’re complicated as hell and hard to manage, but I definitely want you on this mattress.
Me: Choose a mate who loves & respects their mom, but isn’t overly dependent on her.
Lady: These are 4th graders-
Me: THEY NEED TO KNOW THIS