@illiter8too

Never know what to do with my face when someone is playing an acoustic guitar and trying to make eye contact with me.

@illiter8too

Don’t fight your demons: invite them in, nurture them, fuel their unholy power, get them to destroy your enemies, take them bowling.

@illiter8too

ME: I call bullshit getting kicked out of IHOP bc my anxiety falcon isn’t tethered; that pug’s not leashed.

HOST: Ma’am, that’s a toddler.

@illiter8too

So many athletes thank god for their wins, but I want to see athletes who angrily curse god when they lose.

@illiter8too

Murder is justifiable if it’s against a person who calls you and hands their phone off to another person with whom you didn’t wish to speak.

@illiter8too

Hey boy, are you a fitted sheet? Because you’re complicated as hell and hard to manage, but I definitely want you on this mattress.

@illiter8too

Me: Choose a mate who loves & respects their mom, but isn’t overly dependent on her.
Lady: These are 4th graders-
Me: THEY NEED TO KNOW THIS