How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
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If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Cheers Twitter.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”