2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
You Might Also Like
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
scares
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.