Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
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I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something