Kid: here’s my golden ticket
Willy Wonka: Welcome to the child murder factory
Willy Wonka: what?
Do I put my grandma’s cast iron skillet on the top or bottom rack of the dishwasher?
I’m surprising her by doing the dishes for her.
I met my soulmate but she worked in a coal mine.
I feel like people have gotten in trouble for dating miners before.
Her: your watch says you burned 500 calories at 3am? What the fuck were you doing?
Me: [ remembering I got high and was chasing a raccoon because I thought it was E.T]
I was cheating on you
No Cheryl, your baby is not 72 months old. Your child is 6 years old.
I mean at some point we’ve all tried to see if we could move an object with our mind.
Your quarantine name is:
The colour of your underwear followed by the last thing you ordered on Amazon
Fool me once shame on you, fool me 237 times you must be the wrong Tupperware lid
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.