@ilovepie84
Kid: here’s my golden ticket
Willy Wonka: Welcome to the child murder factory
Kid: what?
Willy Wonka: what?
@ilovepie84
@ilovepie84
Do I put my grandma’s cast iron skillet on the top or bottom rack of the dishwasher?
I’m surprising her by doing the dishes for her.
@ilovepie84
I met my soulmate but she worked in a coal mine.
I feel like people have gotten in trouble for dating miners before.
@ilovepie84
Her: your watch says you burned 500 calories at 3am? What the fuck were you doing?
Me: [ remembering I got high and was chasing a raccoon because I thought it was E.T]
I was cheating on you
@ilovepie84
No Cheryl, your baby is not 72 months old. Your child is 6 years old.
@ilovepie84
I mean at some point we’ve all tried to see if we could move an object with our mind.
@ilovepie84
Your quarantine name is:
The colour of your underwear followed by the last thing you ordered on Amazon
@ilovepie84
Fool me once shame on you, fool me 237 times you must be the wrong Tupperware lid
@ilovepie84
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
@ilovepie84
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.