@ilovepie84

Kid: here’s my golden ticket

Willy Wonka: Welcome to the child murder factory

Kid: what?

Willy Wonka: what?

@ilovepie84

Do I put my grandma’s cast iron skillet on the top or bottom rack of the dishwasher?

I’m surprising her by doing the dishes for her.

@ilovepie84

I met my soulmate but she worked in a coal mine.

I feel like people have gotten in trouble for dating miners before.

@ilovepie84

Her: your watch says you burned 500 calories at 3am? What the fuck were you doing?

Me: [ remembering I got high and was chasing a raccoon because I thought it was E.T]

I was cheating on you

@ilovepie84

No Cheryl, your baby is not 72 months old. Your child is 6 years old.

@ilovepie84

I mean at some point we’ve all tried to see if we could move an object with our mind.

@ilovepie84

Your quarantine name is:
The colour of your underwear followed by the last thing you ordered on Amazon

@ilovepie84

Fool me once shame on you, fool me 237 times you must be the wrong Tupperware lid

@ilovepie84

If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them

@ilovepie84

Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.