I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
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Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.