I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
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Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Always
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.