SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
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*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
(Musicians.)
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Holy moly