My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
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I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Why does laundry happen to good people?
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
So inspired right now.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”