My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
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[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!