I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
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date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Well well well…
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.