When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
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My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking