Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
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“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something