The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
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Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free