I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
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Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain鈥檛 happening apparently
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i鈥檓 like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they鈥檇 be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I鈥檒l have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 馃槒
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
If you don鈥檛 wear pants, you鈥檒l never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it鈥檚 time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 馃檪 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 馃ぃ
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”