@imadepoopstoday

People who say, “nothing could ever tear us apart”, must not know about sharks.

@imadepoopstoday

Your water broke? Do I look like an idiot? You can’t “break” water…get back to work.

@imadepoopstoday

[job interview]

“We feel that you just aren’t quite mature enough for the position.”

It’s the Velcro shoes, isn’t it.

“…yes.”

@imadepoopstoday

I’ve learned that you can buy a kitten with no problem, but you have to come back at a different time to buy the juicer.

@imadepoopstoday

Practicing parenthood on an egg only teaches kids that if you cook your baby it’s delicious.

@imadepoopstoday

Walk up to someone drinking coffee and ask them if their coffee tastes different today.
Then smile and walk away.

@imadepoopstoday

Bring brownies to work.

Spend the rest of the day asking coworkers, “you feelin anything yet?”