People who say, “nothing could ever tear us apart”, must not know about sharks.
A better name for the Pope mobile would be a ‘Christler’.
Your water broke? Do I look like an idiot? You can’t “break” water…get back to work.
Wake Me Up Before You YOLO. #RuinAn80sSong
“We feel that you just aren’t quite mature enough for the position.”
It’s the Velcro shoes, isn’t it.
I’ve learned that you can buy a kitten with no problem, but you have to come back at a different time to buy the juicer.
Practicing parenthood on an egg only teaches kids that if you cook your baby it’s delicious.
Walk up to someone drinking coffee and ask them if their coffee tastes different today.
Then smile and walk away.
Bring brownies to work.
Spend the rest of the day asking coworkers, “you feelin anything yet?”
Excuse me, but I feel like your eyebrows owe me an apology.