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Page of imadepoopstoday's best tweets

@imadepoopstoday : People who say, "nothing could ever tear us apart", must not know about sharks.

@imadepoopstoday: Your water broke? Do I look like an idiot? You can't "break" water...get back to work.

@imadepoopstoday: [job interview]

"We feel that you just aren't quite mature enough for the position."

It's the Velcro shoes, isn't it.


@imadepoopstoday: I've learned that you can buy a kitten with no problem, but you have to come back at a different time to buy the juicer.

@imadepoopstoday: Practicing parenthood on an egg only teaches kids that if you cook your baby it's delicious.

@imadepoopstoday: Walk up to someone drinking coffee and ask them if their coffee tastes different today.
Then smile and walk away.

@imadepoopstoday: Bring brownies to work.

Spend the rest of the day asking coworkers, "you feelin anything yet?"