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@imadepoopstoday : People who say, "nothing could ever tear us apart", must not know about sharks.
@imadepoopstoday: A better name for the Pope mobile would be a 'Christler'.
@imadepoopstoday: Your water broke? Do I look like an idiot? You can't "break" water...get back to work.
@imadepoopstoday: Wake Me Up Before You YOLO. #RuinAn80sSong
@imadepoopstoday: [job interview]
"We feel that you just aren't quite mature enough for the position."
It's the Velcro shoes, isn't it.
@imadepoopstoday: I've learned that you can buy a kitten with no problem, but you have to come back at a different time to buy the juicer.
@imadepoopstoday: Practicing parenthood on an egg only teaches kids that if you cook your baby it's delicious.
@imadepoopstoday: Walk up to someone drinking coffee and ask them if their coffee tastes different today.
Then smile and walk away.
@imadepoopstoday: Bring brownies to work.
Spend the rest of the day asking coworkers, "you feelin anything yet?"
@imadepoopstoday: Excuse me, but I feel like your eyebrows owe me an apology.