My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
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The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?