When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
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god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills