on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
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Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
How did we not see this back then?
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.