@imence2

Head says “Forget about her.”

Heart says “Tell her u love her.”

Bottle of whisky says”Ride the cat around the house & you’ll feel better.”

@imence2

Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them

Step 2:Become a lawyer

Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love

Step 4:Become rich

@imence2

9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.

@imence2

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.

@imence2

This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.

@imence2

Gf:Do u love me?

Me:Yes.

Gf:Why do u love me?

Me:You’re the best.

Gf:I’m the best at what?

Me:Asking questions.

Gf: Like what?

Me:…

@imence2

Maybe the dinosaur extinction was a murder suicide by the T-Rex. If I couldn’t jerk off because my arms were to short I’d kill everyone too.

@imence2

Whenever I write out my alimony payment, I put cute things on the memo. Like “for your next divorce” or “clothes that make you feel skinny”.

@imence2

“I’m sure if I show my gf my Twitter, she’ll understand it’s just for fun.”

Said a bunch of now single guys.

@imence2

I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!