Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
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when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?