[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
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Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no