Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
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Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”