I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
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After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*