John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
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Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.