Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
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I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?