Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
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“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
The Birdles
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?