Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
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being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.